Walking and thinking and feeling

This beautiful summer evening, I took a long, leisurly walk (ride, really, in my wheelchair) around the apartment complex just as it was getting dark.

As always, I feel melancholy, sad, for unknown reasons at dusk, it has been this way for me for as long as I can remember. For years and years, I did not understand this sudden onset of daily, timed, ‘depression’. Finally, in recent years, I have come to realize that it is just part & parcel of Seasonal Affective Disorder; it is some kind of strong physical into emotional reaction in me to the sun going down, the day ending.

Even though I had spent the day alone, going out, in the fresh air, turned my thoughts inward, to myself. I am so pleased with myself, with my ‘progress’ so to speak. In spite of unimaginably high hurdles, I am not only OUT of bed, but also I am OUT of my wheelchair when in my apartment. I have lost 50 pounds, and am struggling to lose more. I have eBooks for sale at online retailers. I finally (after years of knowing I needed one and fighting to get it) have an insulin pump, and I am seeing real results in many ways, some of them expected, some are surprises.

Still, I beat myself up. It has been three years since I was literally ‘bed bound’ from the fatigue of Hereditary Hemochromatosis. I have come a long way since then. I still harbor resentment in losing almost 10 years out of my life. But at 60 I am acutely aware of time’s passing, and how little time there is left to do what I want to do. And I want to do a lot!

After realizing that, I can only do what I can do. Limited by the lack of health, energy, and cash, my life moves along much slower than I would choose, so I ‘push’ the river.

Though my evening ‘walk’ was totally introspective, I enjoyed every minute of it. It no longer makes me envious, as it did 4 or 5 years ago, to see other people living their lives. A pleasant realization.

I cruised by the crystal blue pool, watched some people swimming for a few minutes, and felt no envy, nor self-pity. These wonderful changes and successes in my life in the past three years, have led me to think, hmmm how, and when can I do that?