A Christmas Present from Me to Me!

Every year, I buy myself a Christmas Present (Birthday too!), because otherwise I might not get one!

Often it is a 'frivolous' item I've had my eye on for awhile, perfume, etc.

This year, I went PRACTICAL, but it is something I have been wanting for years; an Emergency Response System. Yep, I now wear a 'button' around my neck that I can push if I need help.

It is not a 'national' company, but a local one, so a little less costly. That does not keep it from being 100% effective though!

I felt safer and more secure the moment it was installed...

I also got a SECOND cable box for my OLD 19" color TV in the bedroom, at the rate of $5 month, so I can watch more than the basic channels in there too. And for an additional $3 per month, I subscribed to EWTN (also something I've been wanting for years!).

So an extravagant Christmas! (But no Laptop!)

Christmas 2008

I had a really nice Christmas, (with my little decorated fake ficus!), and the efforts of a few friends. Lots of food, a few visitors, and a handful of gifts to open.

A sadness was that I did not get a call or card from either of my Adult Children, nor did they take or return my calls, even my grandson Michael.

The other fly in the ointment is a UTI that will not go away. So today, on Christmas Day, I had to start on a series of 5 days of injectable antibiotic, gentamicin. This meant going to Scripps Mercy Hospital Infusion room for the medication. And it means TWO injections per day! Ouch!

My Cancer Buddy from the Rock Church is taking me for these. I am truly blessed!

Update on my Daughter

It has been a Full Month since I received the ‘drop dead’ email from my daughter. (BTW, I keep that email in my 'inbox', and read it several times a day. Then I say a prayer...)

Though we had only had a handful of contacts since I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer, I enjoyed each one of them. During the short time she was around, she was a great help to me both physically and emotionally. Plus, I just plain enjoyed her company (I mostly always have), weather on the phone or in person.

Since she ‘cut me out of her life’ (again), I have emailed her, and left messages on her phone about twice a week. Alas, no response.

The thing is, I do not really know the ‘why’ of it. Nor why we cannot work out whatever the problems may be. In fact, I’m currently working privately with a MFCC who would be more than willing to work with BOTH of us, hopefully towards a resolution.

I do know I love my daughter, always have. I have tried to be there for her when she has needed me.

I also know that after my own Mom passed, I had few, if any ‘regrets’ as I spent time with her daily, took her to doc appointments, laughed with her, talked with her, watched TV with her, learned how to take care of her once she was bed bound (give pain shots, turn her in bed, etc). I also saw to it that she saw her grandchildren as often as possible. We (my kids) and I even had a ‘last’, sad and weepy, very difficult, Christmas Eve and Christmas with her in our apartment.

I cannot help feeling that my own daughter is not going to be in that position, and will have regrets the rest of her life, if we do not get some of these issues resolved. And no parent wants that visited on a child…

O Christmas Tree 2008

Even though my 'fake' ficus is beginning to droop (it was a dumpster dive item about 6 years ago!), it still 'dresses' up nice for the Holidays.

What you can't see here is the huge, blinking star on the top. And there aren't any presents under the tree - yet! There IS Egg Nog (low fat!), in the refrigerator.

This little 'tree' gives me great pleasure each year. It gives me hope. And somehow, it strengthens my faith.

Some One Loves Me

A Poem from a poet friend Lisa Wagner, and posted with permission, and EXACTLY as written (and thank you so very much Lisa!).

Lisa Wagner reserves all rights. She also reserves the right to revise this poem, as it was a '2nd draft'.

She don't look special to you -
You can tell she aint healthy,
unmarried and unwealthy, too!

See her, looking so heavy,
dressed almost like
a hobo's linen closet,
and un-beautiful, un-adorned
smells like a bunch of ciggaretts too!

She don't look like your mother
or your mother's mother -
sure don't look like anybody's lover.
I bet your being thankful she ain't you,
And I bet you're feeling positive -
whatever became of her,
could never become of you!

See her - movin' along in her power-chair alone;
See her skin, so pale -
You can tell she hardly ever leaves home,
and with reproach you think to ask youself,
"Would YOU?"

Look at her stuff, hangin' about her wheelchair;
an umbrella, a bag of yarn,
some blanket like overcoat, and eew - !
a bag of urine, too!

She don't look like no one special to you,
She don't look worth an ounce of your regard,
and if she gets too close;
I'm sure you're prepared and feeling rude,
don't even look her in the eyes,
she may need some help, or a word of you -

But she is special to someone.
Yea, she's not always alone -
Somebody Cares
Somebody jumps at her every whim
Somebody visits her, and hugs her.
And even kisses her too!

Yea, she's somebody special, somebody loves her -
(evvy, I do.)
And if no one else in this world
treats you kind,
pay it no sorrow, pay it no mind
Cos' I know someone else who loves you too -
He is God, our Father in Heaven
and amoung him -
You are beautiful, and worthy,
and special, too.

Shingles!

Was at the Oncologists Office today. One of the things I pointed out to them was the 'rash' that was causing me severe burning, and the underlying muscles were agonizing!

They took one look at the 'rash' that ran from my belly, up my torso, and around my waist, and THEY knew what it was!

Seems Shingles is not uncommon among 'chemo' patients. (Jeeze, do I not get to miss any of this fun stuff?). At any rate, they increased my pain pills from 1 to 2, and gave me an antiviral drug - which seemed to make me feel less 'draggy' after about the third pill.

I'll sure be glad when this is healed!

Apologies

I don't seem to be having much luck with apologies being accepted (or being forgiven) lately. However, I have always been pretty good about owning up to my mistakes.

First it was my daughter, she still hasn't accepted my apology, nor apparently, forgiven me.

Then there is a neighbor I definitely owed an apology too, and I've been thinking for the past couple of months on how to approach this neighbor couple. I did not want to broach them individually, but together. So in past weeks, I've made several visits to the area of their apartment, but on all but the most recent occasion, one or more of their cars were gone. Last Sunday however, they were both home, so I knocked on their door. "Who is it?” I was asked.

"It's evvy" I replied to the door. "I'd just like a minute of your time."

"For what?"

"I just felt that I really owed you guys an apology. I wanted you to know that I am sorry, if anything I said hurt or offended you. I wanted to offer a sincere apology."

Silence from behind the door. "OK" I said. If you'd like to talk about it further, just give me a call or drop by." Still silence from behind the door. So I took my leave.

Even if you admit to a 'wrong', acknowledge it, apologize for it, and/or offer to make restitution, it does NOT mean that it will be accepted. And should it be accepted, it does not mean that you will be forgiven.

I think this fact stops a lot of people from making apologies! But, it you have done something ‘wrong’, you need to acknowledge it and take steps to make it ‘right’, WITHOUT regard to the possible outcome (unless of course, if it would somehow hurt someone even worse).

And such have been my most recent experiences.

On the other hand, there are gracious, loving people like the wheel chair van driver I was surly with (too cold, too tired, too hungry). The next time I saw her, I apologized, and she not only accepted the apology, but forgave me and gave me a big hug!

I don't get many apologies coming my way, that's for sure! But when one does, I try to be gracious, accepting, AND forgiving!

I like happy endings…

UTI

I spent all morning at Scripps Mercy ER. Have a UTI, including blood in my urine. Obviously, good sterile technique was not used when Catheters were switched out four days ago. Left for home thoroughly chilled (it was COLD out by San Diego standards) from sitting outside waiting for all lab results to come back, and with a rx for Leviquin and copies of my labs.