2ND Round of Chemo

Was this last week, and although there were some problems (likely not chemo related), it definitely is going better than the first.

The dosage was reduced, and I only went two days instead of three. So on Monday I had Carboplatin and Etoposide (VP-16), and on Wed I just had the VS -16. (Well, on both days I had the ‘pre-meds’, decadron, zofran, etc.)

Tuesday and Wednesday, I was pretty wiped out. Wednesday I was hospitalized for 24hr for an allergic reaction I had to something (fudge that was being passed out? Saccharine that I used in my coffee and had not had for 20 yrs?).

I got home on Thanksgiving about 4PM. A friend was kind enough to bring me a LOT of holiday food. However my daughter or grandson did not put in even a ‘howdy’ visit, as I had hoped.

Friday and Saturday the ‘fatigue’ took over and I did a LOT of napping, probably a lot more napping than ‘waking’. Not much appetite either. Some numbness, (all over), but mainly in my hands, and not nearly as bad as before. Maybe I'll be able to crochet again in a few days. And of course, more hair loss!

Today I am feeling a little better. I go on this Thursday to have a CBC done, to see how the counts are doing. Wish I knew if the Chemo was working…

A Love Letter to a Daughter

Recently I received an email from my adult (42 years old) daughter:

“I've decided that I can't be involved with you. Please don't email or call.

Good luck.”

Perhaps my daughter can abandon me; but I am her Mother, and will not abandon her. I never have, and never will.

Indeed, I have always been there for her, perhaps not as much or as long, as she would have liked, but there (divorce, abusive relationship, moving from another city, pregnancies, lover she found out was married, etc)

True, in past years, when she has failed to respond to emails, phone calls, even notes stuck in her door, for years at a time, I backed off. I was hurt, angry, did not understand, and reacted accordingly.

Because of my own hurt, frustration, and anger, I would call, leaving a holiday or birthday message on her machine, but my tone of voice, I’m sure, was anything but friendly. Then at some other time, I would send her a friendly email (without voice connotation). Without ‘looking’ at my hurt feelings, the reasons for RE-acting the way I did, she must think I am undependable at least, emotionally labile at worst.

Even though I am a Mother, neither of my children seem to understand that I also have feelings, the same feelings they do.

After getting my daughter’s email, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I did not comprehend why we could not ‘talk’ about this and resolve whatever problem there was.

Then I realized that though my daughter has made a ‘decision’ (a temporary one I hope), it does not relieve me of being her Mother.

Nor does the decision she made relieve her of being my Daughter, or her brother’s sister, or ‘next of kin’ to any family member.

So, I too have made a decision! I will not refrain from calling, emailing, or even stopping by her apartment. I will not abandon her, period…

I have apologized to my daughter for any ‘wrongs’ I have done to her. I have offered to ‘make restitution’ where and if, I can. So here it is in public, for as long as cyberspace has room for it: Lisa I am sorry, and I love you. I pray that you accept my apology, that we can move forward and work this out.

My daughter recently told me that she loved her granny (Aldine Bush), who even though a redhead, was quick to forgive,forget, and love. No one ever saw me treat my mother as my daughter is treating me now. (I wonder what her grandmother would think of my daughter actions.)

I will wrap this up by including:

FROM: http://www.stjohnadulted.org/cmd_05.htm


Honor your father and your mother,
that your days may be long
in the land which the Lord your God gives you
Exodus 20:12 (RSV)

9. What if our parents are not worthy?



What if:
· our parents are not worthy? not “honorable”?
· there is on-going hurt and pain in the relationship that is detrimental or even harmful to us?
· there is a history of child abuse?

There is no simple answer to how we should "honor" our parents in such situation. In such a struggle, we should keep in mind:
· honor is a wide-ranging verb; no one specific behavior is commanded. It is open-ended.
· The commandment to honor our parents is not based upon what our parents deserve, but rather on God's direct command: “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. . .” (Deuteronomy)
· Maimonides: “It is possible for a man to honor and revere and obey those whom he does not love.”
· On a first level, "'Honor' speaks to filial behavior, not to filial judgment or sentiment” (Leonard Fein in Broken Tablets)

In such a situation, honor can still involve positive acts to help them, improve their lives, to the degree we are able. Revere/fear can still involve not interfering with the esteem due them from others.

Honor may also involve forgiveness.

Help, I've Fallen...

I could not help but laugh at 6:30 this morning when I found myself on the floor by my bed. I actually had to call 911 and say, "Help, I've fallen and can't get up!"

I had not slept well most of the night, pain, I got cold, I was very worried about my daughter. Well towards morning I finally fell into a deep sleep. And what happens, I fall out of bed! Something I can not ever remember doing (the couch, maybe).

The Firemen and the paramedics were here within 15 or 20 minutes, and it only took them another couple of minutes to get me in my wheelchair.

This afternoon, though, I feel like my entire body is bruised!

Coming Together in their Loss

Lucy (lt) and Big Boy (rt) taking a little afternoon nap. They never 'cuddled' like this before the loss of Ethel.

I have no idea which one got to the bed first, but obviously whomever got there 'second' felt the need for 'contact' and comfort. So do I...

Comfortghan

Today the mail person knocked on my door to deliver a good sized (and unexpected) box.

I opened it to find a beautiful crocheted 'Comfortghan' and letter from a crochet Yahoo group I have belonged to for a couple of years: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/crochetpartners . The squares made and contributed by members of the group.

I was surprised, and stunned. Tears welled in my eyes.

It just so happens that next week I am starting another round of Chemo. I will take this Comfortghan with me every time I go - perhaps it will not only comfort me, but bring me good luck.

First Round of Chemo

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this week I had my first round of Chemo. It wasn’t so bad except it took so long! Monday I was there 8 hours! Tuesday and Wednesday was about six hours each, so just the amount of time there was exhausting. And it is without a break, you sit in a recliner hooked up to an IV the entire time.

The staff was nice; lunch was even served! The other patients (8 – 10) came and went, and they too were nice. The only problems were: 1) they wanted me to leave my wheelchair out in the hall, and I insisted it (and all that was on it), remain in the room with me, in my sight. 2) Like a child in the backseat of a car, I kept asking ‘are we there yet’. (It is beyond me why they cannot give a realistic estimate of how long it will take, and where you are at in the process.)

Between the ‘treatment’, and the number of hours, I was wiped out by the time the hospital’s van took me home. I was so weak, so very weak…

But my daughter Lisa, came over as soon as I got home and called her, and helped me safely into a nightgown and into bed. Something I appreciated beyond belief. I don’t know what I would have done without her.

Chemo Caps

Since I'm losing my hair, (and with the drugs I'm being given, I WILL lose all of it!) I put out a request for Chemo Caps to Crochet Partners, ( http://groups.yahoo.com/group/crochetpartners )a crochet Yahoo Group I've belonged to for the last couple of years.

Thankfully, I've received a number of terrific crocheted caps! I was amazed at the generosity of these folks...

Chemo Round 2 Scheduled

for the week of; M 11-24, W 11-26, and F 11-28. (I'll be healing from dental extractions.)

Yes, it 'book-ends' Thanksgiving, but I have a friend that is going to bring me a plate of food on Thanksgiving. (I'd rather get rid of the cancer, than celebrate ONE holiday anyway!)

Also, I think the dose is going to be lowered, so hopefully, it won't impact me so severely! I hope so anyway...

White Count & Hair

Had a cbc done yesterday, white count is now up. But I still can't schedule next round of chemo; I have badly needed dental work that needs to be done while white count is up that will delay scheduling for a week.

Did I mention I am now losing my hair??? Not that it was unexpected, but a horrible thing to go through anyway. I got in the bathroom with a plastic trash bad and a pair of scissors, and cut my hair off to about an inch long (suggested). I am tired of waking with hair in my eyes, mouth, etc...

No Chemo This Week

And no Chemo next week. My white count is still too low. It is coming up, which is a good thing, but slowly. This puts me way off schedule for Chemo, NOT a good thing.

I go next Monday for labs. This time, I will have them draw the blood from my ‘port’, as it needs to be ‘flushed’ at least every 4 weeks. (Amazing, but it is still bruised and tender.)

So, I am still ‘hibernating’, keeping away from people, washing my hands, using hand sanitizer after touching a cat, etc. I sure do not want another infection! I am just really ‘over’ the ‘Post-Chemo Pneumonia’, though no doubt I caught that bug during my last hospitalization.

I would think that they are going to have to adjust the dose, that it would be better to have a ‘lower’ dose and keep on schedule, than not. We shall see…

I cut my hair off this week. Took a pair of scissors and a trash bag into the bathroom and cut away. (Not an easy thing since I have ‘numb’ hands because of Chemo Neuropathy!) My hair is now about ½ inch long now. I was tired of having a hairbrush FULL of lost hair every time I brushed, not to mention waking with hair in my eyes or mouth. If my hair had not been so thick to begin with, I would be bald by now. Definitely in need of Chemo caps!

Ethel 2004 – 2008

Ethel lost her battle against the infected wound today. In the end, she was in a lot of pain, so there was no choice (unless I had a spare thousand bucks or so).

I am devastated. I have cried a million tears.

Lucy alternates between being stuck to me like glue, (on my lap, or in my wheelchair backpack) or stalking the apartment looking for her sister in all of Ethel’s usual hiding places.

Sadness, tears, and more tears…

Halloween 2008

Even though I had my lights off and my shades pulled, there were a couple of knocks at the door during last evening.

I miss 'doing' Halloween!

But just can't risk cats getting out. Nor this year, some kidlet, sneezing on me!

Ethel's in Trouble - Again

(Ethel sitting in trash can!)

The vet said that she is not healing correctly. That she either has cellulites, an infection in the underlying fat, or gangrene. That she needs ‘debridement’ at the cost of $300 - $400.

She goes back next week ($45), and will prob need another injection of antibiotic ($$$). If prognosis remains the same, (and it may change, Ethel may get better); I will have to have her put down. I just do not have that kind of money. I do not even have the $45 per week this is running right now – it is coming out of my ‘grocery’ money.

(and bless the 'volunteer' from Sacred Heart Parrish in Ocean Beach, who shuttles Ethel to these appointments)

I am devastated…