A Love Letter to a Daughter

Recently I received an email from my adult (42 years old) daughter:

“I've decided that I can't be involved with you. Please don't email or call.

Good luck.”

Perhaps my daughter can abandon me; but I am her Mother, and will not abandon her. I never have, and never will.

Indeed, I have always been there for her, perhaps not as much or as long, as she would have liked, but there (divorce, abusive relationship, moving from another city, pregnancies, lover she found out was married, etc)

True, in past years, when she has failed to respond to emails, phone calls, even notes stuck in her door, for years at a time, I backed off. I was hurt, angry, did not understand, and reacted accordingly.

Because of my own hurt, frustration, and anger, I would call, leaving a holiday or birthday message on her machine, but my tone of voice, I’m sure, was anything but friendly. Then at some other time, I would send her a friendly email (without voice connotation). Without ‘looking’ at my hurt feelings, the reasons for RE-acting the way I did, she must think I am undependable at least, emotionally labile at worst.

Even though I am a Mother, neither of my children seem to understand that I also have feelings, the same feelings they do.

After getting my daughter’s email, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I did not comprehend why we could not ‘talk’ about this and resolve whatever problem there was.

Then I realized that though my daughter has made a ‘decision’ (a temporary one I hope), it does not relieve me of being her Mother.

Nor does the decision she made relieve her of being my Daughter, or her brother’s sister, or ‘next of kin’ to any family member.

So, I too have made a decision! I will not refrain from calling, emailing, or even stopping by her apartment. I will not abandon her, period…

I have apologized to my daughter for any ‘wrongs’ I have done to her. I have offered to ‘make restitution’ where and if, I can. So here it is in public, for as long as cyberspace has room for it: Lisa I am sorry, and I love you. I pray that you accept my apology, that we can move forward and work this out.

My daughter recently told me that she loved her granny (Aldine Bush), who even though a redhead, was quick to forgive,forget, and love. No one ever saw me treat my mother as my daughter is treating me now. (I wonder what her grandmother would think of my daughter actions.)

I will wrap this up by including:

FROM: http://www.stjohnadulted.org/cmd_05.htm


Honor your father and your mother,
that your days may be long
in the land which the Lord your God gives you
Exodus 20:12 (RSV)

9. What if our parents are not worthy?



What if:
· our parents are not worthy? not “honorable”?
· there is on-going hurt and pain in the relationship that is detrimental or even harmful to us?
· there is a history of child abuse?

There is no simple answer to how we should "honor" our parents in such situation. In such a struggle, we should keep in mind:
· honor is a wide-ranging verb; no one specific behavior is commanded. It is open-ended.
· The commandment to honor our parents is not based upon what our parents deserve, but rather on God's direct command: “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. . .” (Deuteronomy)
· Maimonides: “It is possible for a man to honor and revere and obey those whom he does not love.”
· On a first level, "'Honor' speaks to filial behavior, not to filial judgment or sentiment” (Leonard Fein in Broken Tablets)

In such a situation, honor can still involve positive acts to help them, improve their lives, to the degree we are able. Revere/fear can still involve not interfering with the esteem due them from others.

Honor may also involve forgiveness.