First thing I heard when I woke this morning was Donald Trump. (I leave the radio on all night.)
In a loud, strident, and obnoxious voice he was doing a PSA TELLING young people not to smoke. At the end of the spot, he added: "Don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs; it will ruin your life."
Even in my sleep-groggy, no-caffeine-yet state; my mind said 'what is wrong with this picture?'
So, I was thinking about this (and Donald's voice was still ringing in my ears) as I started my morning routine.
"Don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs; it will ruin your life."
It didn't take me long, I hadn't even finished my first cuppa coffee when my objections to this statement gelled in my mind:
Although Donald's 'telling not showing' statement (do as I say, not as I do) MAY be a 'correct' statement:
1) it is so "I" oriented
2) it is totally selfish
3) it is me, me, me
It would matter LITTLE to me that friends, mates, loved ones, co-workers, neighbors, relatives, etc. not smoke, drink, or do drugs. (Though these are all admirable traits.)
What WOULD matter to me was that people legitimately made an effort in their lives to NOT lie, cheat, or steal. That they believed (no matter any religion or not) in 'do unto others'.
It WOULD matter to me that they had integrity, manners, knew how to read and write and knew where Iraq was!
So, in today's American culture you are an upstanding citizen if you don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. BUT you can embezzle from you employer, not bother to check on an elderly neighbor, cheat on your mate, not bother to vote, not respect your parents and elders, or lie on your tax return???
No wonder we're in trouble...
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Defining Fatigue
The word 'fatigue' should have a different name and definition. It is commonly used interchangeable with: wiped out, tired, worn out, sleepy, sleep deprived, etc.
And it is NONE of those things and all of them!
How I now describe Fatigue to people:
Suppose you got up one morning and evaluated the day before you. You made an actual detailed 'list' of everything, and I mean literally, every little thing, you were going to do today.
Your list might start out looking something like this for your morning:
And it is NONE of those things and all of them!
How I now describe Fatigue to people:
Suppose you got up one morning and evaluated the day before you. You made an actual detailed 'list' of everything, and I mean literally, every little thing, you were going to do today.
Your list might start out looking something like this for your morning:
make coffee
feed the cat
drink a cup of coffee
watch the morning news on TV
fix breakfast
eat breakfast
pick up after breakfast
take meat for dinner out of freezer
scoop the catpan
shower
brush your teeth
floss your teeth
get dressed
Well, if you are suffering from Severe Fatigue, you automatically have to scratch OUT half this list!!! You will not be able to complete these activities (well perhaps if that's ALL you did for the whole day!). So WHICH 6 - 7 items on this list will you NOT DO???
So then you're list might look like this (yet take up the same or more time!):
make coffee
feed the cat
drink a cup of coffee
watch the morning news on TV
fix breakfast
eat breakfast
take meat for dinner out of freezer
scoop the catpan
brush your teeth
get dressed
And if the Fatigue is REALLY bad, your morning might look like this:
make coffee
feed the cat
scoop the catpan
wash your face and hands
brush your teeth
THIS IS SEVERE FATIGUE; and you might even have to rest or lie down BETWEEN each of these activities. Or do them in stages or steps!
So you see why I think the word 'FATIGUE' as it is used today does not begin to define this state of being...
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Relapse
Fatigue. I've been feeling it gradually creep up on me during the last few weeks; have observer how it changes me and my lifestyle in an almost clinical manner.
But in the past few days, it's really crashed in on me.
I have to lie down SEVERAL times a day now. Can't complete even short, simple tasks without resting. If I push myself, I get SO TIRED, that I'm reduced to tears. Then there are the heart palpitations, shortness of breath, increased balance problems, and of course, my Blood Glucose goes really wacky.
Gross as it sounds, and as gross as it is, I have to report that I am not showering often, nor changing my clothes, nor cooking, nor doing much housework. Just don't have the energy.
I have enough energy to take care of the kittens, fix something to eat once in awhile (sandwiches & chips!), check my email, read the TV Guide, and use the remote...
I am ANGRY! Angry and frustrated beyond belief.
I'm only suffering this 'relapse' because Medicare/Medical STILL hasn't come through with repairs/replacement of my wheelchair. Therefore, I'm MISSING all my medical appointments!
Why should I have to SUFFER more than I already have because some bureaucrat (who has the energy to sit up in a chair behind a desk) is not doing his/her job???
Why should I put my life on 'hold' again??? I was just barely starting to rebuild it!
Tell me, WHY???
But in the past few days, it's really crashed in on me.
I have to lie down SEVERAL times a day now. Can't complete even short, simple tasks without resting. If I push myself, I get SO TIRED, that I'm reduced to tears. Then there are the heart palpitations, shortness of breath, increased balance problems, and of course, my Blood Glucose goes really wacky.
Gross as it sounds, and as gross as it is, I have to report that I am not showering often, nor changing my clothes, nor cooking, nor doing much housework. Just don't have the energy.
I have enough energy to take care of the kittens, fix something to eat once in awhile (sandwiches & chips!), check my email, read the TV Guide, and use the remote...
I am ANGRY! Angry and frustrated beyond belief.
I'm only suffering this 'relapse' because Medicare/Medical STILL hasn't come through with repairs/replacement of my wheelchair. Therefore, I'm MISSING all my medical appointments!
Why should I have to SUFFER more than I already have because some bureaucrat (who has the energy to sit up in a chair behind a desk) is not doing his/her job???
Why should I put my life on 'hold' again??? I was just barely starting to rebuild it!
Tell me, WHY???
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Donna Carter Cook
This afternoon I finally mourned the loss of my only older sister, Donna. She died of Primary Liver Cancer at age 59.
I assumed she had passed on; a cousin had told me that Donna had been placed in Hospice, and that her daughter was arriving from out of state.
After that, I heard nothing, though I left phone messages with the cousin, and two other half-siblings, they did not return my calls.
Today, being for me, a non-work day; I spent some time surfing the net. I checked the Social Security Death Records, and her name was there. She died in 2003, it didn't give the month or date. Guess I need to send for a copy of her death certificate. I have of copy of her birth certificate...
It was a beautiful sunny afternoon. So I went out on my scooter; found a secluded place in the complex, and remembered my sister.
Pictures of her at various stages of her life flashed through my mind in kaleidoscope fashion: her beautiful brown eyes, the skinny little girl, her haughtiness at having a boy friend who drove an MG when we were teens, how proud she was of her first daughter, how fascinated she was with the creatures at the Zoo, her ability with numbers. I remembered how we fought as children, always at odds with each other. I remembered how she secretly sucked her thumb well into adulthood, how she couldn't get ready to go anywhere without hairspray, and how she liked a cup of hot cocoa before bed.
I hadn't seen Donna for ten years prior to her death. She had married again, and was happy. (When she was involved with a man, there was nothing else in her world. I'd always wondered the why of that, and we'd even talked about it, without either of us ever understanding the phenomena.) But because we didn't see each other didn't mean we weren't in touch every few years.
Because of my own illness, and the miles between us; I was unable to see Donna before she passed on. This was something that really bothered me as I sat alone on my scooter in the sunshine of the afternoon and contemplated how my life had changed with her passing. She was the first of the 8 half-siblings, the first of my generation of family, to leave this world.
And I really have nothing physical of her to 'keep'. I wouldn't even begin to know how to contact her husband. Thankfully, I DO have albums full of pictures; from all stages of our lives. Though I will never need a picture to remember Donna.
I sat there, in the sun, for a long time. Alone, I watched the breeze play in the trees, watched two butterflies chase each other over the lush grass, and cried and cried.
I can only hope that she knows how much I love her, valued her as a sister. I think she does.
I assumed she had passed on; a cousin had told me that Donna had been placed in Hospice, and that her daughter was arriving from out of state.
After that, I heard nothing, though I left phone messages with the cousin, and two other half-siblings, they did not return my calls.
Today, being for me, a non-work day; I spent some time surfing the net. I checked the Social Security Death Records, and her name was there. She died in 2003, it didn't give the month or date. Guess I need to send for a copy of her death certificate. I have of copy of her birth certificate...
It was a beautiful sunny afternoon. So I went out on my scooter; found a secluded place in the complex, and remembered my sister.
Pictures of her at various stages of her life flashed through my mind in kaleidoscope fashion: her beautiful brown eyes, the skinny little girl, her haughtiness at having a boy friend who drove an MG when we were teens, how proud she was of her first daughter, how fascinated she was with the creatures at the Zoo, her ability with numbers. I remembered how we fought as children, always at odds with each other. I remembered how she secretly sucked her thumb well into adulthood, how she couldn't get ready to go anywhere without hairspray, and how she liked a cup of hot cocoa before bed.
I hadn't seen Donna for ten years prior to her death. She had married again, and was happy. (When she was involved with a man, there was nothing else in her world. I'd always wondered the why of that, and we'd even talked about it, without either of us ever understanding the phenomena.) But because we didn't see each other didn't mean we weren't in touch every few years.
Because of my own illness, and the miles between us; I was unable to see Donna before she passed on. This was something that really bothered me as I sat alone on my scooter in the sunshine of the afternoon and contemplated how my life had changed with her passing. She was the first of the 8 half-siblings, the first of my generation of family, to leave this world.
And I really have nothing physical of her to 'keep'. I wouldn't even begin to know how to contact her husband. Thankfully, I DO have albums full of pictures; from all stages of our lives. Though I will never need a picture to remember Donna.
I sat there, in the sun, for a long time. Alone, I watched the breeze play in the trees, watched two butterflies chase each other over the lush grass, and cried and cried.
I can only hope that she knows how much I love her, valued her as a sister. I think she does.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Out & About Again
I went to Long's Drugs today! All by myself! It's probably been over three month's since I've done this! Far, far too long...
The afternoon was warm and sunny. Lot's of people were out and about, including me! I had a smile on my face for everyone I came in contact with!
My scooter and it's batteries worked without a hitch.
Once inside Long's, I slowly went up and down ALL the aisles, one by one, picking up a few things to purchase, but mainly just looking. What was new, what was gone, what had been rearranged; I took it all in, literally like a kid in a toy store...
Then came the best part of my 'trip'.
When I left Long's, I crossed another huge intersection, went a couple of blocks further down the street, to the Golden Arches! I'd had no fast food for ages..
Surprisingly, it was crowded, even though it was well past lunch time, and not yet dinner time. Which was a good thing, because I needed time to decide exactly what I wanted. And, oh, it smelled so very good in there...
I ordered enough food (to go) for two night's worth of dinners. Then, because they'd installed 'push' openers on their doors since I'd last been there, I was able to exit the restaurant without help from anyone.
The smell of the french fries wafted back to me from where the sacks were stashed in my front basket, all the way home...
The afternoon was warm and sunny. Lot's of people were out and about, including me! I had a smile on my face for everyone I came in contact with!
My scooter and it's batteries worked without a hitch.
Once inside Long's, I slowly went up and down ALL the aisles, one by one, picking up a few things to purchase, but mainly just looking. What was new, what was gone, what had been rearranged; I took it all in, literally like a kid in a toy store...
Then came the best part of my 'trip'.
When I left Long's, I crossed another huge intersection, went a couple of blocks further down the street, to the Golden Arches! I'd had no fast food for ages..
Surprisingly, it was crowded, even though it was well past lunch time, and not yet dinner time. Which was a good thing, because I needed time to decide exactly what I wanted. And, oh, it smelled so very good in there...
I ordered enough food (to go) for two night's worth of dinners. Then, because they'd installed 'push' openers on their doors since I'd last been there, I was able to exit the restaurant without help from anyone.
The smell of the french fries wafted back to me from where the sacks were stashed in my front basket, all the way home...
Monday, July 12, 2004
Overdone
I'm wiped out today. Over did it yesterday; out with the scooter and all...
It's been two or more months since my last visit with the Hematologist and a Therapeutic Phlebotomy, so the iron is probably building up in me again. (I've been having to lie down for awhile to rest most afternoons again.) But this can eventually be 'fixed' when I can get back to keeping my medical appointments, and it was most definitely worth it!
I did 'rearrange' my 'furniture' today; put the non-working wheel chair in the bedroom corner, installed the working Rascal scooter in the Living Room. It's easier to get it in and out of the apartment from there. And I was hoping it would be someplace comfortable to sit to watch TV or read (NOT!).
I also watched closely for the neighbors that will check my scooter tires for me and install air with my bicycle pump (something I can no longer do myself because of the arthritis in my thumbs and wrists; there's much to be said for those 'solid' tires, like the ones on my wheelchair!), but there was no sign of them. Perhaps tomorrow!
It's been two or more months since my last visit with the Hematologist and a Therapeutic Phlebotomy, so the iron is probably building up in me again. (I've been having to lie down for awhile to rest most afternoons again.) But this can eventually be 'fixed' when I can get back to keeping my medical appointments, and it was most definitely worth it!
I did 'rearrange' my 'furniture' today; put the non-working wheel chair in the bedroom corner, installed the working Rascal scooter in the Living Room. It's easier to get it in and out of the apartment from there. And I was hoping it would be someplace comfortable to sit to watch TV or read (NOT!).
I also watched closely for the neighbors that will check my scooter tires for me and install air with my bicycle pump (something I can no longer do myself because of the arthritis in my thumbs and wrists; there's much to be said for those 'solid' tires, like the ones on my wheelchair!), but there was no sign of them. Perhaps tomorrow!
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Bailed Out!
I finally got OUT of this apartment! After TEN weeks of almost total confinement; 'jailed' just for lack of mobility equipment...
(Still haven't heard a yea or nay on wheelchair repairs/replacement.)
A friend purchased two new batteries for my 9 year old Rascal Scooter, and installed 'em. (Bless his heart!)
I can't get on the transit bus with it, it's too large, a big four-wheeler. So I still can't get to doc appointments, but I sure can get around the neighborhood now! I can get my own mail, even on a day when my 'provider' isn't scheduled. I can go sit by the pool, read, and soak up some sun. I can go to Famosa Slough and feed the ducks. And I can go shopping!
The scooter had to charge overnight though I was so tempted to go out on West Point Loma at 3AM to watch the sparse traffic and enjoy the night, something I do once in awhile. I restrained myself, feeling I needed to check out the scooter in daylight at first.
The next day; I was outta here! The old scooter ran well, even though I assume the tires probably needed air.
I stayed inside the complex. Till the gel batteries are charged 2 - 3 times, I won't get 'full performance'. But I was 'out & about' for over two hours. An absolute joy!
It was a beautiful afternoon, warm and sunny. People were out doing all kinds of stuff: washing cars, cleaning patios, moving in, kids played, some folks were in the pool, one family was grilling on their patio.
I soaked it all in like a drowning person gulps for air. And I took 'clippings' for three new plants. I didn't run into anyone I know, and that's unusual, but I was OUT.
Soon as the batteries are at full functioning AND I get someone to check the tires (a neighbor in the next day or two); I'm off to Long's Drugstore! Something I'm as excited about as someone else is their trip to Europe!
(Still haven't heard a yea or nay on wheelchair repairs/replacement.)
A friend purchased two new batteries for my 9 year old Rascal Scooter, and installed 'em. (Bless his heart!)
I can't get on the transit bus with it, it's too large, a big four-wheeler. So I still can't get to doc appointments, but I sure can get around the neighborhood now! I can get my own mail, even on a day when my 'provider' isn't scheduled. I can go sit by the pool, read, and soak up some sun. I can go to Famosa Slough and feed the ducks. And I can go shopping!
The scooter had to charge overnight though I was so tempted to go out on West Point Loma at 3AM to watch the sparse traffic and enjoy the night, something I do once in awhile. I restrained myself, feeling I needed to check out the scooter in daylight at first.
The next day; I was outta here! The old scooter ran well, even though I assume the tires probably needed air.
I stayed inside the complex. Till the gel batteries are charged 2 - 3 times, I won't get 'full performance'. But I was 'out & about' for over two hours. An absolute joy!
It was a beautiful afternoon, warm and sunny. People were out doing all kinds of stuff: washing cars, cleaning patios, moving in, kids played, some folks were in the pool, one family was grilling on their patio.
I soaked it all in like a drowning person gulps for air. And I took 'clippings' for three new plants. I didn't run into anyone I know, and that's unusual, but I was OUT.
Soon as the batteries are at full functioning AND I get someone to check the tires (a neighbor in the next day or two); I'm off to Long's Drugstore! Something I'm as excited about as someone else is their trip to Europe!
Monday, July 05, 2004
Three Day Week-Ends
Still one more 3 day week-end. Though my formal 'working' days are long over; I can't help feeling regret that I didn't get to reap the benefit of so many long week-ends.
Now these 'holiday' week-ends can run on forever for me. Sometimes they aren't too bad if:
This week-end, none of those circumstances occurred (well, I did have books to read).
It is REALLY tough though, not to even be able to get out in the sun, or go to the laundry room, or mailbox.
I watch my neighbors as they come and go. They go out, get in their cars (I can remember having a car!), go someplace, return later with shopping bags. They walk up to the mailboxes, come back with their mail. Or they just take their trash out to the bins. They have company. They play with their kids. But I don't begrudge them; I used to do those things too.
This particular week-end is forever...
Now these 'holiday' week-ends can run on forever for me. Sometimes they aren't too bad if:
1) I can GO somewhere, even to Long's Drugs!
2) Someone actually visits.
3) There are great movies series, or marathons on TV.
4) I have sufficient food in the apartment.
5) I have library books to read.
This week-end, none of those circumstances occurred (well, I did have books to read).
It is REALLY tough though, not to even be able to get out in the sun, or go to the laundry room, or mailbox.
I watch my neighbors as they come and go. They go out, get in their cars (I can remember having a car!), go someplace, return later with shopping bags. They walk up to the mailboxes, come back with their mail. Or they just take their trash out to the bins. They have company. They play with their kids. But I don't begrudge them; I used to do those things too.
This particular week-end is forever...
Friday, July 02, 2004
That's Entertainment- Almost!
I was almost ready for bed. Getting nice and sleepy. Then some movement caught my eye...
Rushing past my window at 2AM were three uniformed cops. The one point had his hand on his gun!!!
Well, I was instantly awake!
I hadn't heard a thing; all was quiet in my part of 'THE COVES' anyway.
These cops were not running, not even jogging. But they were walking at a fast clip. They were not checking the addressed on the patios or buildings, seemed to know where they were going.
They were only in my line of site vision a few seconds; but long enough for me to see that Officers right hand on his gun!
All ideas of going to bed dissipated; instead I was wondering if I'd locked the door.
I went to where I could get a better view; no police cars in the parking area immediately in front of my apartment, no signs of where they had gone.
So I went out on the patio; still no sign of them.
Police here at the COVES are not a rarity, neither are they the usual thing. But when they do arrive; it's in force, usually in several cars that pull right into the parking area. I've not seen them do the 'stealth' thing before.
My curiosity went unfulfilled. Finally I did go to bed, but sleep didn't come, I kept looking out the window.
Frustration is often my way of life...
Rushing past my window at 2AM were three uniformed cops. The one point had his hand on his gun!!!
Well, I was instantly awake!
I hadn't heard a thing; all was quiet in my part of 'THE COVES' anyway.
These cops were not running, not even jogging. But they were walking at a fast clip. They were not checking the addressed on the patios or buildings, seemed to know where they were going.
They were only in my line of site vision a few seconds; but long enough for me to see that Officers right hand on his gun!
All ideas of going to bed dissipated; instead I was wondering if I'd locked the door.
I went to where I could get a better view; no police cars in the parking area immediately in front of my apartment, no signs of where they had gone.
So I went out on the patio; still no sign of them.
Police here at the COVES are not a rarity, neither are they the usual thing. But when they do arrive; it's in force, usually in several cars that pull right into the parking area. I've not seen them do the 'stealth' thing before.
My curiosity went unfulfilled. Finally I did go to bed, but sleep didn't come, I kept looking out the window.
Frustration is often my way of life...
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